


Colour in your smile

by amelie_drinking_tea



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Other, Paranoia, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Suicidal Thoughts, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-02 13:05:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amelie_drinking_tea/pseuds/amelie_drinking_tea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Merlin starts seeing a psychologist because he's driving himself fucking mad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**November 22nd, 2013.**

“So, Merlin, tell me about yourself.”

“Seriously? That’s your conversation-starter? I thought you’d begin with something more original like ‘what’s the last thing you think about before falling asleep every night?´”

“That’s actually pretty good. Why don’t we start with that, then?”

“I’m not answering that! I just gave away a perfectly valid question and you want me to answer it as well? I mean, am I doing all the work here?”

“The idea is for you to talk about what makes you comfortable at first. So we can move on from that. If you feel like talking about your nightly thoughts, that’s just fine, but I won’t make you do it.”

“Jesus, you really are a manipulative bastard, aren’t you? Ok, I’ll talk about it. I won’t be one of those wankers who deliberately search for a psychologist, then refuses to talk about themselves.”

“Alright. Carry on, then.”

“I don’t always have, you know, dark thoughts… It’s usually just a couple of scenarios I play in my head, like jumping from a building in slow motion, with a cool soundtrack playing in the background. It’s not like I picture myself smashed once I hit the floor. I never picture that part, really.”

“Do you know why you picture the falling?”

“I don’t know, I mean, it feels good.”

“What do you mean?”

“Letting go, man. It feels great knowing there’s no one else but you at that very moment, at that very place, it’s like you’re one with the universe or some shit.”

“Do you want to feel alone?”

“You see, now, that’s a good question. Simple, yet deep. You should have started with that one.”

“Well, I thought of it all by myself, do I get to have an answer for it?”

“You’re ok. This was a good idea. Alright, I don’t think I have an answer as good, though, sorry. I mean, I like the feeling of loneliness, knowing I’ll probably never get the kind of love I think I deserve, I get some kicks out of it, yeah.”

“What kind of love do you think you deserve?”

“Well, I think I deserve someone to share all my interests, basically.”

“All of them?”

“Yes, even if my significant other doesn't agree with me about shit, I want them to feel interested. Is that too weird? Why are you writing this down? I don’t think it’s the most interesting thing I’ve said since I arrived.”

“It’s not weird, Merlin. And don’t worry about what I write down, it’s just for me to keep track of what you’re saying. You seem to have a lot to say.”

“Well, yeah! Isn ‘t that the whole point here? I mean, shouldn’t I be allowed to show you my craziness, so you can prescribe me something, if that’s the case?”

“I’m a psychologist, Merlin, I can’t prescribe you anything.”

“Right, right, I forgot. You think I should have looked for a psychiatrist instead? Like, go straight to the cure?”

“I don’t think you need a cure, you don’t seem to be sick.”

“How can you tell? I mean, I’ve been here for less than ten minutes.”

“Let’s just say I have a lot of experience, and you’ll have to trust me on this one, ok? I think right now all we need to do is talk. Is that alright?”

“That’s freaking fantastic, I love to talk!”

“Good. So tell me more about what you were saying. Do you feel you need to keep the other person interested at all times?”

“Fuck! You’re good! Ok, I apologize for what I said before, you’re getting to the bottom of it in the speed of light!”

“Are you being sarcastic?”

“I might. Just a tiny bit. I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. You can write that down, really. I acknowledge I have that problem.”

“Do you think you can give me a straight answer, then?”

“No, I can’t. I don’t know, I mean, don’t everybody want to be loved and shit?”

“I’m not sure, I haven’t met everybody, you see. But I know this kind of necessity can be most harmful. You must live for yourself before anyone else.”

“No shit.”

“This is serious, Merlin, and I know it takes more than just me telling you this for things to change, but you have to realize it completely for this to work.”

“I know. Ok, I’ve just always had a real hard time connecting with other people. You know, I don’t seem to actually get close to anybody.”

“Why do you think that happens?”

“Fuck, you’re on fire, aren’t you? I mean, that’s a lot for me to process. Let me have a minute here.”

“You should just tell me what’s in your mind, no hesitation, that’s usually when people get in real touch with themselves.”

“I guess I’m just scared they’ll see me for who I really am. That the mask will fall or something.”

“You think you’re wearing a mask?”

“Aren’t we all? Hey! Weren’t we talking about stuff I pictured before sleepy time?”

“Sure, we can go back to that if you want.”

“I do. Once I pictured this whole story in my head before getting too tired to keep my brain functioning, it was pretty intense. I used to do that a lot to help me sleep back when I suffered from insomnia. It helped calm my mind down.”

“Hum… We’ll get to your insomnia situation. But before that, tell me about the story you pictured.”

“Oh, I don’t think we can go there, I mean, I know I have to open my heart and all, but it’s too pornographic, and you said I had to be comfortable, remember?”

“Yes, I certainly do. Was that… theme recurring for you?”

“Define recurring.”

“Were you having explicit fantasies on a daily basis?”

“Fuck, man, you should write a book! No, not on a daily basis, but I’d wank to it every week, yes. But it just made me really depressed afterwards.”

“How come?”

“Oh! I don’t have that problem anymore! Thank God for small miracles! Now I get depressed for whole different reasons.”

"Such as?"

"I don't know, man. Life, I guess. It's an endless struggle, isn't it?"

"I'm afraid you're gonna have to be more specific than that."

"Well, that's why I'm here. To become more specific. I mean, I feel like I'm disappearing into a generalization."

"I see."

"Do you? Cos' I don't even know what the fuck I just said."

"It's too early for me to jump into conclusions, but I can assure you, you're not sick."

"Well, that's a relief."

"I think we're gonna make good progress."

"You think I'll be able to tell my mom I'm gay by the end of our sessions?"

"I hadn't realized that was one of the issues."

"Seriously?"

"We can work on that, as well, of course."

"Do you think I'll be able to tell my friend Arthur I wanna have sex with him?"

"You'll have to be patient, Merlin."

"Ok, I can do that."

 


	2. Chapter 2

**January 3 rd, 2014**

“Do you hate yourself?”

“I don’t have to answer that.”

“No. Indeed you don’t. But you should know how.”

“Should I? You’re starting to get on my nerves, your never-ending knowledge of all things.”

“I’m right, then?”

“It’s not actually hate if you hang on to it that long. I mean, it’s a lover’s thing. A relationship between the person I am and that little fucker I aim to be. It’s sort of romantic, really, now that I come to think about it.”

“You take pleasure in your self-loathing episodes. Is that what you’re saying?”

“Can I talk about Arthur now?”

“Don’t change the subject, Merlin.”

“I’m not! He’s got a major part in it, I swear, like if this were a movie, he’d totally get the Oscar for best supporting actor.”

“Alright. You know I’m not obliging you to answer my questions straightforwardly right now, but you’ll have to face them sometime, you are aware of that, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Tell me about Arthur, then.”

“You know like when you’re walking down the street and you sorta forget, for a split of a second, where you were heading at?”

“I suppose.”

“No, really, have you ever felt that? Like you’re heading to the supermarket, and you’ve been walking for the past 10 minutes, then suddenly you see a butterfly flying by, or kids playing with a hose outside their houses on a hot Summer’s day or whatever works for you, and you like… forget? You get.. out of yourself? Like your life suddenly stops being your business because the whole fucking world is just to fucking wide and indifferent?

“I believe I see what you’re saying.”

“Is it ok for me to say ‘fuck’ all the time?”

“That’s alright.”

“Ok. Well, that’s Arthur. That’s him in my life.”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to elaborate that.”

“He’s the wide, indifferent world, and I’m the guy on my way to get my groceries.”

“Oh.”

“It feels like it doesn’t matter who I am or where I’m going to. It’s not sheer natural beauty, it’s not the sun shining through the fucking clouds or unknown planets waiting to be conquered, it’s just groceries.”

“You shouldn’t depend on what anybody else thinks to get on with your life, Merlin.”

“Haven’t we had this conversation before?”

“Yes, and we’ll go back to it as many times as needed. Why do you think you feel like that towards your friend?”

“It’s not like I want to feel this way. It’s just that… he’s always on my mind, and I really wanted him not to be, and it feels so toxic and embarrassing.”

“Tell me more about him.”

“Stupid stuff comes to mind when I think about Arthur. Unknown planets… fuck. I guess I changed my mind.”

“What do you mean?”

“Uhm, nothing.”

“Merlin, you have to talk to me. I’ve let you choose the path you want to follow here, but you’ve got to walk it, got it?”

“Maybe I read too much.”

“Well, that’s hardly a negative trait to possess.”

“No, but… I read too much, you know? I read and I read and the whole human relations thing seems so wrong. So petty. The way it takes place in real life, like… it can’t be just this, you know? It has to be better, it has to be grand!”

“Love?”

“Everything! I mean, when I think of Arthur, I think of this bullet I can’t get out of my head. And when I think of myself I feel I need a bloody doctor.”

“Is that why you sought me out? To get the bullet out?”

“I don’t want it out. What else is there?”

“That’s what we are going to have to figure out.”

“Well, it all sucks big time, then.”

“It usually does.”

“And on top of all this, he’s so hot and clever, god, it’s disgusting!”

“Does it bother you that much?”

“It hurts on different levels and aches on different body parts.”

“You think you can manage that kind of pain?”

“Just the physical one, you know, it’s no rocket science taking care of _that._ Now the other one, well, I’m here, aren’t I? I’m trying.

“Does it have anything to do with the reason why you came to me in the first place?”

“The suicide thing? That… that was stupid. It wasn’t even a real attempt.”

“Was it because of Arthur?”

“No.”

“Merlin…”

“It had very little to do with him.”

“You think you’re ready to try and tell me what all that was about?”

“I swear I wasn’t trying to be an attention seeker and shit.”

“It’s alright if you were, too, you know.”

“You’re a fucking saint for saying it, man.”

“Go on.”

“What? You want me to keep praising you? That’s very unprofessional! Alright, you’re the most patient person I’ve ever known and I like the way you use big words like ‘straightforwardly’ in oral speech and…”

“I meant, Merlin, go on about what you were saying, about that night.”

“Oh. That. That god forsaken night. Well, there’s not much to say, really. Uhm… it was a Thursday?”

“Come on, you can do better that.”

“I just… dammit.”

“Say what you’re thinking.”

“Gosh, why does it always have to be so painfully difficult?”

“Just breathe, you’re doing fine.”

“Oh yeah, it feels fucking awesome… I… I just looked in the mirror and I couldn’t see myself, you know?”

“What were you expecting to find?”

“Someone who doesn’t need psychological treatment at all?”

“Merlin, look at me. Was it a real attempt?”

“I don’t know.”

“Good.”

“Good? Ok, you lost me.”

“The straightforward answer is good. It’s progress. Self-awareness is never easy, especially when you see that much into everyone, like you do. But I need you to be very aware of this now: you’re more than a reflection in a mirror.”

“Gaius?”

“Yes?”

“Why can’t I just be normal?”

“Because, my dear boy, and I can assure you this based on my vast experience in this profession, no one is.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a degree in psychology, so if you happen to spot any inconsistency, please let me know. Also, English is not my first language, and I don't have a beta, so I'd appreciate any grammar-related feedback (or any other feedback, for that matter).


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